Review: Bitch Slap (Movie)
Maybe you’re sitting around this 4th of July holiday and looking for something to entertain yourself, maybe you’re thinking about getting a movie. Whatever the reason, let me pass one word of advice down: Do not watch “Bitch Slap“. I really don’t know how to convey this movie in a short synopsis, but I think one line of the movie really sums of the “creativity” of writing, how stupid it is and how much of a waste of time it is:
Oh, my God. You’re a wicked-cool covert operative masquerading as a sex-toy tycoon?
Yes. Just brilliant… but I will give you more reasons not to watch this movie. As I hope you never see it, I’m going to explain how the movie ends (several times) and generally give away plot points. So without further adieu… Warning: Spoilers and strong language (as the title of the “film” portends)
Bitch Slap is a B quality movie (at best) that revolves around three buxom ladies: Hel (Played by Erin Cummings), Trixie (Played by Julia Voth) and Camero (Played by America Olivo). Yes, they are all hot, yes this movie covers that aspect repeatedly, yes, they are all lesbians and yes, the movie covers that repeatedly also. There are also numerous other female characters, but really only 3 male characters. Cage, who gets shot in the head by Camero. “Phoenix”, better known as Hercules or Kevin Sorbo, who shows up as some secret agent dude (and apparently dies at some point). Lastly, the Deputy, who ends up dead (repeatedly).
One of the first things I noticed in this movie is that large portions of it are essentially soft-core porn, sans porn. No one actually gets naked, but that doesn’t stop them from getting it on and ripping away their already tiny outfits. The second bit is that the camera works is only good in said soft-core porn scenes, or any time basically they are trying to be seductive/sexy (see also water fight scene). The rest of the time, the camera work sucks – and don’t get me started on their terribly shitty blue/green screening. I’ve seen film school student demo reels that have had much more convincing blue screening.
The next issue is the story line. It is… so screwed up and contrived I’m not even sure if I can describe it. Basically these 3 chicks are trying to find 200 mil in diamonds. Camero is just in it for the money, but she’s a junkie who is tweaking the hell out. Hel turns out to be the “wicked-cool covert operative masquerading as a sex-toy tycoon” which is basically played to be a female James Bond – all the way down to the “down barrel” camera shot. She’s not in it for the money but to recover some weapon, and happens to work for Hercules. Trixi, who plays all helpless and useless (and gets it on with Hel) turns out to be “Pinky”, a notorious figure in the underground whom no one has ever seen because she’s so bad ass she kills EVERYONE. She also apparently keeps throwing stars in her vagina. I wish I were making this up, but she puts her hands in her crotch and pulls a throwing start out from… well… nowhere. Due to the camera angle… you know exactly where her hands are going because why would they miss that great soft-core porn moment. Turns out Trixi/Pinky actually orchestrated this entire “event” because Cage stole her “Naginata“. Except that what she recovers is a Katana – not anywhere REMOTELY the same as a Naginata.
So the entire movie is about getting a sword back. Okay… That makes just about as much sense as anything else in this movie. After all, a number of scenes and characters are homages of Kill Bill, and isn’t one of Uma Thurman’s big deals in the movie to get the good sword? Really though, you know the writers didn’t put a lot of work into this script because the dialogue is ATROCIOUS. I’m… at a loss for words to explain how bad… so how about some examples:
I’m gonna booty-bang bitch slap your fucking ass until you’re just this side of salvage. Then I’m gonna ram-ride girly’s show tits asunder before I plow both of you bitches under!
Lube my boob skank twat.
… you’re decent and pure, and I love you. Now why don’t we tie a knot, bump uglies, and ride the pork bus to Tuna City?
Ram *this* in your clam bake, bitch cake!
That last line… that’s a particular favorite of mine. It just goes up to an entire new level of “This is a massive failure of a movie”. Add on to that the fact that I was surprised the movie was only 1 hr 44mn long! By the end it had dragged on for way too long, with multiple “endings”, I fully expected it to have been at least 2.5 hours. In the end, the only reason to watch this movie is if chicks beating the living daylights out of everyone and each other really kicks your ticker into high gear. Otherwise, please, save yourself 2 hours and watch the Discovery Channel instead. That way you won’t feel like your brain cells have been burned out by a massive dose of “stupid”.